Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
