Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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