So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i love accidental penises.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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