We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
