so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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