whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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