Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
