my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
