Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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