Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
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I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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