Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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