pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
