maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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