she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
