First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Operation Purity has been aborted
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
