If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
