How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
