I will die if light touches me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
