im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
