God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
