Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
