Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
