Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
