you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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