We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
