I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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