god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
