I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
