Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
