Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
