Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
