I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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