if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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