Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
