if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
