There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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