so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
