you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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