What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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