I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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