..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
