She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
