I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
