"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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