I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
