I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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