So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
