first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
