Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
