So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
