hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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