yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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