He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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