Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
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